Wednesday, May 2, 2012


     Taking care of a newborn is not easy.  It's everything they say it is, plus more.  The sleepless nights are starting to get to me.  The loneliness is starting to get to me.  Feeling unproductive is starting to get to me.  It's all beginning to take it's toll on my life.  My daughter is now a month and a week old and it hasn't gotten any easier.  I'm getting used to it, but it isn't any easier.  Especially without her father around.  He says I lied because 
i said I could do it on my own.  I said that because he wouldn't talk to me, so I had no chose but to do it on my own.  Once you see your child you build up a totally different view on life and a strength inside for them that you never had before. Part of me likes the fact that I won't have to argue about decisions that have to be made in her life.  That's a very small part of me.  The other part is filled with sadness because I know she will have a different life than the one I wanted for her.  I know the emotional challenges that will be added to the ones that are inevitable in a child's life.  Like sitting through projects in school for father's day...and awkward moments when father's are mentioned...and the first time she asks about him.  I honestly don't know what I'm going to tell her.  Should I tell her the truth? Tell her that her father didn't want her and wanted to sign papers  so that he would never have to see her?  If I tell her the truth I could risk shattering her self esteem.   She could be bitter for the rest of her life.   Or she could except it and be understanding.  I don't know how anyone could be, but some people are.   If I lie to her for her protection and tell her that he passed away but loved her,  she would probably dream up what he was like and what it would be like if he was with her.   That could also risk her finding out the truth and hating me forever...Or understanding why I  lied.  Either way, she will hurt because of it and that kills me.   To know that  my daughter will hurt because he chose not to be around infuriates me and makes me want to break down at the same time.   To imagine that one day she will most likely be in tears for one reason or another, (depending on what and how I decide to tell her), because he made a selfish decision, kills me.   I keep trying to  get him to change his mind an d nothing works.   Finally, I decided that if he wasn't going to be around for her physically, he'd have to be financially.   He began fighting with me over that also.   At this point,  I have  chosen to bring it to court.   I don't  exactly know what that will bring me  financially or mentally but  he needs to do  his part.   I'm trying not to let this hinder my view on life but its very difficult.   Is this karma coming back around for something that I've done in the past?   Is this just a life lesson?   Why is this happening to me?   More importantly, why is this happening to an innocent child?

Monday, April 9, 2012

The Miracle of Life

     If you ask any woman about the experience of giving birth, all you ever hear is "It hurts like hell", "It's the worst pain you could ever feel","Imagine squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon...or something along those lines. No one can ever tell you what really goes on. Or if they do, it's nothing compared to what REALLY happens. At least in my case, nothing anyone told me prepared me for the actual experience...
     First of all, I didn't realize I was in labor because my contractions were irregular.  Your doctor tells you to wait until they are 3-5 minutes apart for at least 3 hours before you go into the hospital.  Mine were never regular. They went from 10 minutes to 3. Then 7 minutes to 5. Sometimes 14 minutes.  Because they were irregular, I didn't think I was in labor. Little did I know, I was in labor from 4 a.m. until I went to the hospital to check at 6 p.m.  By that time, I was already 5-6 centimeters dialated. 
     Second, I was crapping every 20 minutes or so...ALL DAY LONG.  Even when I got to the hospital and changed into my gown, I had to get out of bed and sit in the bathroom for a good 45 minutes and with every contraction came a muddy flow.  There was no holding back.  As much as I wanted to save myself the embarrassment with a smokin' hot med student asking me routine questions, I had to respond to nature's call...and it didn't stop there.  While I layed in that hospital bed for God knows how many hours, the nurses had to keep changing the "wee wee pad" underneath me because I continued to let it flow like Tony Braxton the entire time right up until my daughter popped her head out.
     On the positive, the epidural was my best friend.  Contrary to what everyone told me, I didn't even feel it go in.  Maybe it was because I didn't look at the needle or maybe I was in so much pain with the contractions.  Either way, 20 minutes later I was in heaven.  If I wasn't so curious to see what this little person that lived inside me for nine months looked like, I could've taken a serious nap.  I didn't feel a thing...until it wore off...
     Nobody prepares you for AFTER the epidural.  When that little piece of heaven fades and reality sets back in, it comes charging at you in full force.  It's about 439637945 times worse than when you thought you couldn't take it anymore and decided you wanted the drug in the first place.  This time, they won't relieve your pain.  You gotta get on that horse and ride it to the finish line.  Most woman claim  it takes 10 to 30 minutes to push the little thing out.  For me, it took 3 1/2 hours of unbroken TORTURE.  You would think they'd notice right away if you needed some help.  Nope.  They made me work for mine. 
     Now the next three words may haunt you for the rest of your life...RING OF FIRE.  This is described as the burning feeling when the baby's head is RIPPING through your vagina, or Crowning.  I however, felt nothing there and felt it all in the other hole.  Yup, I had NO idea I'd feel like I was giving birth that way.  For 3 1/2 hours I, for lack of better words, felt like someone lit a match to my ass.  
     The one thing every woman seems to have the almost the exact same opinion on and is absolutely correct is the moment it's all over and you see that tiny body in front of you.  It is the most amazing feeling to finally meet that little person that's been living inside of you for 9 months.  You really do feel unconditional love right away.  The minute those eyes meet yours, you know you have to do everything in your power to protect them.  Right after I looked at my daughter and realized I was a mom, I had to look to my left where my mother was standing in tears.  It was then that I understood the love my mother had for me.  I finally understood why she still loved me after all the times I'd disappointed her.  It was then that I truely understood the great lengths a mother could and would go for her child should she ever need to.  The miracle of life, I believe is the miracle of concieving love.