Wednesday, May 2, 2012


     Taking care of a newborn is not easy.  It's everything they say it is, plus more.  The sleepless nights are starting to get to me.  The loneliness is starting to get to me.  Feeling unproductive is starting to get to me.  It's all beginning to take it's toll on my life.  My daughter is now a month and a week old and it hasn't gotten any easier.  I'm getting used to it, but it isn't any easier.  Especially without her father around.  He says I lied because 
i said I could do it on my own.  I said that because he wouldn't talk to me, so I had no chose but to do it on my own.  Once you see your child you build up a totally different view on life and a strength inside for them that you never had before. Part of me likes the fact that I won't have to argue about decisions that have to be made in her life.  That's a very small part of me.  The other part is filled with sadness because I know she will have a different life than the one I wanted for her.  I know the emotional challenges that will be added to the ones that are inevitable in a child's life.  Like sitting through projects in school for father's day...and awkward moments when father's are mentioned...and the first time she asks about him.  I honestly don't know what I'm going to tell her.  Should I tell her the truth? Tell her that her father didn't want her and wanted to sign papers  so that he would never have to see her?  If I tell her the truth I could risk shattering her self esteem.   She could be bitter for the rest of her life.   Or she could except it and be understanding.  I don't know how anyone could be, but some people are.   If I lie to her for her protection and tell her that he passed away but loved her,  she would probably dream up what he was like and what it would be like if he was with her.   That could also risk her finding out the truth and hating me forever...Or understanding why I  lied.  Either way, she will hurt because of it and that kills me.   To know that  my daughter will hurt because he chose not to be around infuriates me and makes me want to break down at the same time.   To imagine that one day she will most likely be in tears for one reason or another, (depending on what and how I decide to tell her), because he made a selfish decision, kills me.   I keep trying to  get him to change his mind an d nothing works.   Finally, I decided that if he wasn't going to be around for her physically, he'd have to be financially.   He began fighting with me over that also.   At this point,  I have  chosen to bring it to court.   I don't  exactly know what that will bring me  financially or mentally but  he needs to do  his part.   I'm trying not to let this hinder my view on life but its very difficult.   Is this karma coming back around for something that I've done in the past?   Is this just a life lesson?   Why is this happening to me?   More importantly, why is this happening to an innocent child?

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